needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize