He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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