i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Pooping to opera.
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