he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
