Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
