Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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