I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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