I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
