we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
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