So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
