I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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