so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
