Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
