Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
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