which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
