you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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