Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
