Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
