I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Randomize
