At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
