Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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