I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
