I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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