I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
