I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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