What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize