Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
