Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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