I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize