Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
