I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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