Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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