you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize