He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize