i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
