I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
i've created a new STD.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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