Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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