i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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