also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
sex in a hospital.. check
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
