Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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