You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
