hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
my shit smells like andre
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
