my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
