On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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