Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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