my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
