brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize