I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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