Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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