I wish I could punch you in the face.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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