Moan for me like Helen Keller
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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