Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize