and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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