I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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