The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
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