cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
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