I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize