For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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