He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
